A DESPERATE PLEA

I've always thought that when you truly love someone, it's an emotion that stands the test of time. I just realized that to genuinely love someone, you must accept him, warts and all. It is a choice that you make and not the feeling that leaves you breathless.

When you found out that he decided to let you go because he cannot take the burden that you're carrying, do you thank him for his honesty and accept his decision? Or do you explain that it's not a burden that you want to pass on?

Is it okay for you to say that you choose to just continue the friendship and the business relationship because you no longer want to come between a man and his family? Or once his divorce is finalized, do you actually suggest that he looks for a younger and healthier woman who can give him the daughter that he wants and the family that he always dreamed of?

But what if in his choice, he ended up getting hurt, will you be able to help him go back on his feet and act as if nothing happened? Will you be able to say that you weren't meant to be and that you will continue to be his friend for life and that you'll pray that he gets the physical as well as the emotional and mental wellness that he needs?

I opted to do all these and more. I decided to bring him to my friends and help them both. I was willing to go an extra mile even if it means getting hurt. I had to withstand his insults and his comments because I knew deep inside that he desperately needed my help. He even had the nerve to reprimand me when I talked to his girlfriend. I was the one who even said sorry.

My friend already told me that I am nothing to you. I am just a necessary convenience. Once I've done my part and helped you both, I'm finally letting go and just let my mom deal with you. I don't know until when I can last until I finally break down. I can't afford to let you know and more so my mom or other people discover that you still have the power to affect me.

I will just wait and remain where I am. Let the Holy Spirit guide me. Through prayers and with God's help, I will finally find peace in my heart and in my mind.

NO TURNING BACK

I should have held my tongue. I should have kept quiet. I should not make him see or know that his actions greatly affected me. For he now holds all the keys because I allowed him access to what I was feeling deep inside.

But how can I not speak? How can I not keep silent? How can I not make him realize that he is deeply hurting me?

I needed to vent my anger. I needed to let out the pain. I needed an outlet for all the emotions building up within me.

I am so tired being depressed. I don't want to be sad. I don't have to be sick. I hate being afraid. I no longer want to feel insecure. I can't afford to be uncertain. Neither do I want deprivation or incompetence to prevail.

I want to be happy. I need to be healthy. I am brave. I feel secure. I know what I really want. Most especially, I want abundance and success.

I must always adopt a positive outlook in life.

I am beautiful. I am loved. I belong.

I must move forward and get what I want in life at all costs.

There is no turning back once I set my heart and mind to the path I will choose to take.

The roads may not be smooth.

I will encounter every imaginable obstacle.

But with God's help and guidance, I will fulfill all the goals that I set my heart to do.

I will achieve all my dreams.

QUESTIONS IN MY MIND

Much as I hate myself for falling for someone like you,
I can’t help it.
Your arrogance and conceit ought to turn me off,
But they didn’t.
I wonder how you’ll react once you’ve found out
Who I am.

Is it love I feel for you?
I don’t really know.
But it seems I can’t let the day pass without your presence,
I need to see you or hear your name.

Just when I thought things were back to normal
That you’re completely eradicated from my mind
I was wrong.

I may try to convince myself a thousand times or more
That you’re no longer there in my heart,
But it’s not the case.

What is it in you that make me feel attracted to you?
What is it in me that make me fail to see the misery?
Of loving you will bring to me?

Alas, love may be bitter and/but sweet
But I don’t care.
Just seeing your face once in a while is enough
When you greet me with a smile on your face and utter my name.
Wow, the joy and heaven it will give me knows no bounds.

THE THOUGHTS OF YOU DRIVE ME WILD

Just seeing your face
My heart beats fast
And my eyes shine
With the glow of my attraction to you.

You're always in my thoughts
Even if I'm far away from you
Seeing you sitting across me
Is like a dream come true.

I long to feel your arms around me
And hear soft words spoken by you
I want to spend the night beside you
And feel your body next to mine.

How can I make you notice me?
How can I show you I care?
How can I say I love you?
And know that you feel the same way, too.

TO LOVE A MAN

I thought loving means possessing your loved one,
Watching his every move,
Listening to his every word,
Looking for his face amongst the crowd,
And keeping him locked inside your heart.

Now, I know it's something more...

When you love someone
You give him the chance to be heard;
You let him be himself,
You help him discover how real love is supposed to be
Without putting a chain around his neck.

In other words...
You set him FREE
Free to choose what he wants
Free to pick who to love
Free to do what he desires.

THE PAIN OF LOVING

Though the hurt runs too deep
Though the tears start to fall
I still have to show them
You mean nothing to me.

I can't afford to let you know I care
Because I fear your rejection or indifference
I wasn't wrong
Cause someone already possesses your heart.

When I hear you say that you love only her
And that you've waited all your life to meet her
My heart bleeds with pain
And tears start to fall down my cheeks.

But I'm not sorry that I met you
Cause I've learned what love is all about
It is not always joy or happiness
There is pain to experience as well.

THE GEM

The gem of my life.
The treasure of my soul.
The key to my heart.
Forever more you'll be the love of my life.

A LOVE QUEST

Do I love you or not?
Why is it that the pain is too great too handle and the hurt too deep?
Is the attraction I feel for you akin to love?
I don't really know.

I can't look at you straight in the eye.
I don't even have the nerve to introduce myself.
I play dumb and mute just being near you.
I'm so confused and shy.

Why does loving someone have to be painful?
Why does caring for somebody hurt so much?
I guess it is love.
Cause I've never felt anything like this before.

I thought it was just disappointment
when it wasn't me he fancies.
But knowing that you're already in love
with someone else cuts like a knife.
I thought you were attracted to my friend.
But there's someone more beautiful who holds your heart.

Why do I have to fall in love with a man like you?
Why did it have to be you I want so much?
You're so near and yet so far away from me.
Sometimes I wish my misery will end

GROWING UP

"Wisdom comes with age"
An old adage it may be.
Which remains to be true.
Together with it comes the pain
Based on the sad experience as well as from lack of it.

Whatever happens in life
There's no knowing the final outcome.
Just being prepared for the worst to come
Or count one's blessing
No matter how brief or miniscule it may be.

As the year passes,
New faces seen,
New names heard,
New friendships formed and severed
But old greetings uttered.

Still, the basic fact remains,
No matter what one do
A boy turns into a man,
A girl grows up to be a lady
Everyone gains an inch or two.

Maybe not in height, not even in weight.
More of experience
Then, comes the wisdom.
The rest then follows,
Even falling in and out of love.

THE TRIO

Clap, clap, clap
Voice of thunder.
Drip, drip, drip,
Sound of the rain.
Light, light, light,
Touch of lightning.
All together, the thunder, the rain
And the lightning,
Make an awesome
If not a frightening trio.

WHY?

Why can't you let me be?
Why can't you let me be myself?
Why can't you let me be myself just once?
Why can't you let me be myself just once to say what I feel?

Why do I fight the pain?
Why do I fight the pain of your rejection?
Why do I fight the pain of your rejection and your insensitivity?
Why do I fight the pain of your rejection and your insensitivity to my feelings?

AN INSANE MIND

What holds me back to let you know I care?
What makes me tongue-tied to utter simple words in your presence?
Ah, I guess self-pity is what's stopping me
To tell you and show you that I Love You!

Without looks to match your charm
Without brains to level with your intelligence
Without humour to catch up with your gaiety
And no money to get even with your wealth.

All these questions, all these wanderings
Keep me awake most of the night
Your indifference and my insecurities,
Alas, they are all the trimmings of an insane mind

A PLEA FROM THE HEART

Would you look twice at me?
If I told you I care
Would it make a difference?
If I tell you that I'm willing to offer my life to you.

Would you even go as far as
Kissing me until
The hunger in me is satisfied,
And the thirst in me is quenched.

Oh, I love you for who you are
And not for what you are
All those riches mean nothing to me,
Not the cars and not the money.

You, alone, would be enough
For my heart to continue beating
For my mind to cease its wondering
Do you really feel something for me?

Just tell me...
You love me.
Or better still...
Show me with a hug and a kiss.

A WOMAN'S FEARS

I don't know why I am so wary about men
And that I feel threatened whenever I am in their presence
Somehow, there's something in their nature that holds me back
I can’t behave normally and keep my cool.

Almost always I find myself fidgeting
And at the end of my nerves
Just about ready to crack
Even at a mere sound formed by them.

Perhaps, it's due to my insecurity
Or even to my fear of being rejected
Or perhaps, I still can't get it into my head
I'm neither beautiful nor pretty.

I have my worst fears that somehow,
If I felt deeply for a man
And he does not return my affection
I'll be hurt forever.

It is this apprehension
That seems to put me at a distance,
Or avoid any kind of contact
Not even a side glance.

I'll have to and must accept the fact
That no man will ever look twice at me;
It is only a figment of my imagination if someone tried,
There isn't an inch of me to be desired.

HOW?

How would you say to a guy?
You love him more than anything else
Without demeaning yourself
As a lady in his eyes.

How could you show him you care?
Much more than a friend
Without ruining the friendship
Which binds you close together?

It takes not just guts but a ready heart
To be able to handle the outcome
Much more so if it would bring
A sorrow that is so deep, it pierces the heart.

HEY, IT'S ME!

Wake up, girl
Face the reality
That to love him
Would be to no avail.

It will only bring you sadness
And hurt you for most part,
He is not the type
He won’t notice someone like you.

Hey, Mr. Cancer
Show some love for Capricorn girl
She's pining and longing
For your arms to embrace her
And wanting to hear sweet words
Uttered by you near her ears.

Cancer boy
Give Miss Capricorn a glance
Enough to let her know you care.
Then stare long hard at her eyes
In them you'll see
The love she has long hidden inside.

Original lines they may not be
For me, they hold true meaning of what I feel
I love you more than words could say
And much more than actions could show.

WISHFUL THINKING

Hi, love! I miss you. I have to admit that last week I tried avoiding your company. You may be near but I kept you at a distance. I'm sorry. It was inconsiderate of me. Probably you might be wondering whatever it is you've done to get such a treatment. It's not you. It's me. I hurt whenever I see you and know that you feel nothing for me, not as deep or as special as I feel. Until when could I go on pretending that you're nothing else but a friend? I don't think I could handle this, keeping my emotions in check, hidden from your view and the rest of the gang, including my closest friend. You may think me a fool but I don't care. You may even wonder at my nerve to love you like this but I can't do anything about it. I even made a resolution this weekend that no matter what happens, you'll continue to be my friend even if I wanted you to be much more. Perhaps, you'll notice me in the end. Or is this just wishful thinking on my part?

WHAT IFS?

What if I pursued my own interests instead of submitting to the will of my parents, will I be as busy as I am now? What if I became an engineer and not a physician, will I be spending the time concocting some magic cure or chemical of good use? what if... what if?
How many of us have spent our time thinking about what if something like this or like that were to happen or what if I've done this rather than that, will it change the world we're living in... maybe, maybe not.
You start to ponder about what if you become detached from reality and dream big dreams. You lose some precious time... seconds, minutes. or even hours doing nothing. Let the bulk of your work go unfinished despite the deadline. Who wouldn't want a respite to recharge your exhausted brain cells, still those restless limbs, and close those tired eyes just to think about what if?
What if I won the lottery, will I spend the million pesos or even dollars buying a new car, a house and lot, and those modern gadgets which I crave for? Or will I do something noble like giving a part of it to charity or tithing?
What if traffic was non-existent, would it increase the incidence of road accidents because people will drive their cars at high speed?
What if I smiled at the gorgeous looking man next to me, would he smile back or ignore me?
What if that hunk do smile at me, will I have the nerve to talk to him?
What if I did speak to him, will he invite me out?
What if he did ask me for a date, will I accept?
What if I agreed to meet him, will it be a night to remember or an evening with a bore?
Just believe that it is not what if which is important but having the courage to face life and the consequences of our actions no matter what it would be or what we decide to do in the end.

MY MAN

I used to dream that the time would come
When I would fall in love with someone who feels the same way I do
And there you were....
At first, I wasn't prepared to let you into my heart
And I was scared because it seemed impossible.
Yet in your own way you showed me
How much I mean to you.
You were never short of words to say,
Nor were you thrifty with your hugs and kisses.
Your time with me seemed endless
And you had no thought of yourself, not even your health,
Since you were always there with me and for me.
But suddenly things have changed.
Maybe you were disgruntled by my insecurities
You've gotten tired after the way I've been treating you
'Cause I was still dissatisfied despite all that you've showered me with.
At the back of my mind was the fear that you'll soon leave me.
Painful words and bitter thoughts I've thrown at you
Which all but pushed you over the edge and farther away from me.
I even threatened to put an end to our love affair
But it never materialized.
Because it wasn't that easy to let you go.
Hence, in the end, you've found someone new
She was truly appreciative of what you do.
She never withheld her feelings and thoughts from you the way I did.
She even had the temerity to demand attention from you and confronted me in person.
Eventually, I found out the truth, from you, nonetheless
To deny that I was shattered is inconceivable
But I wouldn't be in the least bit surprised
And yet the pain cuts through the heart
For I harbored the thought that despite my behavior,
You still remain faithful,
That deep inside your heart,
I'm the only woman who've really touched you and made you whole.
Now, I have to live with the truth and face the reality,
That when I turned you away, you're not coming back for good.
I guess, this is never a relationship worth keeping
And that you're not the man worth remembering.
I put an end to the past and look forward to the future
of meeting someone out there truly meant for me and still within reach.
If I set my heart and mind to finding MY MAN.

AN OLD BEAU

I'm only 32 years old, and here I am talking about an old flame --- makes me sound ancient, doesn't it? I've only had one boyfriend and we ended up as lovers after 3 months of courtship and 6 months of formal relationship. I was 23 years old then, and our affair lasted for almost 3 years.
I've been raised by a conservative family and educated in a Catholic exclusive girl school. I even received the Best in Religion award so I never imagined being involved with someone like him --- a married man but allegedly separated, with a kid in tow, or should I say, kids (He had sired children with different women.) I guess all you moralists out there would be asking why? What had gone wrong? Why did I defy the teachings of the church and did not heed the pleas of my very concerned mother and friends? But I got off before he had gotten me pregnant (What little consolation this is.) and after I've finally discovered that he's been seeing other women.
After six years, why do I still talk about what happened? Writing this piece is a sort of cleansing for me. Unknown to others close to me, it took me this long to finally get over what I've lost and to recover my self-respect. I had to prove to myself first that I am healed and that previous relationship hasn't scarred me for life nor had it scared me to get involved with other men.
Earlier on, I had to bury myself in my studies then later; my residency training and eventually my present job just to deny that those years with him had happened. I wanted those three long years of my life to be completely forgotten and to believe that they were all part of a bad dream. I spent the succeeding years denying my involvement with him. I hated myself then and I was always laden with guilt every time something happened between us. But there I was craving for more. It's not as if he was a handsome hunk. His face may be ordinary but his eyes were something else. They would look at you steadily and you'll be mesmerized... as if he could see through your very soul and you'd melt. His touch was not forceful but gentle and enticing. He showered me with gifts, not the expensive kind but those little things that bring the thought that he cared a lot. There were simple notes written with all his emotions laid bare. I felt I was the only woman he worshipped and loved.
He came when I was so vulnerable. Not so young, but so innocent and trusting and envious of other girls who had boys to cater to their whims. He was there and he was a man like no other. He was almost 10 years my senior and had lived quite a life. And he was interested in someone like me --- lowly me. I thought that he was responsible and honest. Yes, honest, because he never denied that he was married and that he had kids. But he also told me that his marriage was farce because the contract was non-existent --- and I believed him.
Looking back, it seems ludicrous and I had repeatedly admonished myself that I've been taken for a ride.
He also wanted to find out if I was ready to face the world with him because there would be talks, snide remarks, and whispers behind my back. In case I would change my mind and leave him, he said that he would understand because he was not worthy of my love. How would you feel if a guy who is supposed to be older and man of the world shed tears and spoke such painful words with feelings --- "Just tell me to go and I'll go but not without letting you know that it hurts me to leave you and for me there can be no other woman." (Yes, he said that, or words to that effect.)?
I wanted my experience to be an eye-opener to those young women who are so insecure about themselves, their looks and their abilities to hook a man --- Think twice about getting involved with someone who is unattainable, especially a married man. Such a relationship entails a big sacrifice on your part, including surrendering your soul, and forever living in guilt and recriminations that you've destroyed not only your life but also those of others.
Somehow, somewhere, someone out there can be your man, someone you won't share with other women or family, someone you'll be proud of to call your own and who is also proud of you --- someone to live with for the rest of your life, someone who will love you forever, not just for a time. But in case, you did manage to get involved with someone like my "old" man, learn to forgive, especially yourself, and forget so that you can finally lay the thought of your old beau to rest like I did mine.

By: "An Unattached Single Woman"