AN OLD BEAU

I'm only 32 years old, and here I am talking about an old flame --- makes me sound ancient, doesn't it? I've only had one boyfriend and we ended up as lovers after 3 months of courtship and 6 months of formal relationship. I was 23 years old then, and our affair lasted for almost 3 years.
I've been raised by a conservative family and educated in a Catholic exclusive girl school. I even received the Best in Religion award so I never imagined being involved with someone like him --- a married man but allegedly separated, with a kid in tow, or should I say, kids (He had sired children with different women.) I guess all you moralists out there would be asking why? What had gone wrong? Why did I defy the teachings of the church and did not heed the pleas of my very concerned mother and friends? But I got off before he had gotten me pregnant (What little consolation this is.) and after I've finally discovered that he's been seeing other women.
After six years, why do I still talk about what happened? Writing this piece is a sort of cleansing for me. Unknown to others close to me, it took me this long to finally get over what I've lost and to recover my self-respect. I had to prove to myself first that I am healed and that previous relationship hasn't scarred me for life nor had it scared me to get involved with other men.
Earlier on, I had to bury myself in my studies then later; my residency training and eventually my present job just to deny that those years with him had happened. I wanted those three long years of my life to be completely forgotten and to believe that they were all part of a bad dream. I spent the succeeding years denying my involvement with him. I hated myself then and I was always laden with guilt every time something happened between us. But there I was craving for more. It's not as if he was a handsome hunk. His face may be ordinary but his eyes were something else. They would look at you steadily and you'll be mesmerized... as if he could see through your very soul and you'd melt. His touch was not forceful but gentle and enticing. He showered me with gifts, not the expensive kind but those little things that bring the thought that he cared a lot. There were simple notes written with all his emotions laid bare. I felt I was the only woman he worshipped and loved.
He came when I was so vulnerable. Not so young, but so innocent and trusting and envious of other girls who had boys to cater to their whims. He was there and he was a man like no other. He was almost 10 years my senior and had lived quite a life. And he was interested in someone like me --- lowly me. I thought that he was responsible and honest. Yes, honest, because he never denied that he was married and that he had kids. But he also told me that his marriage was farce because the contract was non-existent --- and I believed him.
Looking back, it seems ludicrous and I had repeatedly admonished myself that I've been taken for a ride.
He also wanted to find out if I was ready to face the world with him because there would be talks, snide remarks, and whispers behind my back. In case I would change my mind and leave him, he said that he would understand because he was not worthy of my love. How would you feel if a guy who is supposed to be older and man of the world shed tears and spoke such painful words with feelings --- "Just tell me to go and I'll go but not without letting you know that it hurts me to leave you and for me there can be no other woman." (Yes, he said that, or words to that effect.)?
I wanted my experience to be an eye-opener to those young women who are so insecure about themselves, their looks and their abilities to hook a man --- Think twice about getting involved with someone who is unattainable, especially a married man. Such a relationship entails a big sacrifice on your part, including surrendering your soul, and forever living in guilt and recriminations that you've destroyed not only your life but also those of others.
Somehow, somewhere, someone out there can be your man, someone you won't share with other women or family, someone you'll be proud of to call your own and who is also proud of you --- someone to live with for the rest of your life, someone who will love you forever, not just for a time. But in case, you did manage to get involved with someone like my "old" man, learn to forgive, especially yourself, and forget so that you can finally lay the thought of your old beau to rest like I did mine.

By: "An Unattached Single Woman"